The Secluded Saga

Your son is pathetic, he has no devotion and he is a waste of space.
-I learned real quickly on how to tell what is my fault and what is not, i came to a understanding that most things that happen to me, that is of the bad, are my fault. I know things i have done make other things happen and may those things make me sad, was it really the thing that made me sad, or my own self. I understand the consequences of most things, it is that i try to ignore them or be blunt about them and pass them by as a joke, something i do not care to much about. - Your son has no worth, he makes no effort and he practically lives within an imaginary world, he does not focus, he will not make it in this world. - i am blamed for the lack of action due to what surrounds me, the people who surround me, that is not the case, my failures derive from my lack of care, though i care, it does not matter if i am not willing to put in the effort, i am to blame for the things i have brought on to myself not that of which surrounds me, it is that of who i am, a pathetic, lazy, selfish, spoiled brat. I take things as they come and leave them destroyed, i understand what i have done wrong most of the time which makes me the worst kind of person for even though i know it fully, that what I’m doing is wrong, i still do it. I am the son, strip me of what i know for i am truly undeserving, do not spare me, spare them, the ones who fight to rise above, cripple me and leave me to die, for i will say anything for a simple reaction, do not speak highly of the lowest foe, speak that of what i deserve. Hold your breathe for i do not even deserve your thought, i will only manipulate them to my needs, i am the worst type of person, free yourself from me.

This is selfish… I need to stop doing this. I am going to stop writing to this blog, telling you guys what i am doing just makes you guys sad, that is not good, with this blog i have hurt so many more people… i am putting an end to this blog, to hold everything in for now on because why hurt anymore people… it wont be for long… i think i can handle it until i kill myself… i hope you all the best. Have it good, do not do what i have done, be better then me.

I sit here now in tears on minutes after i wrote that last post, no emotions, when i hear my mother coming down the hall… I want to kill myself so much, i am scared to but i know if i just act with out thinking to hard on it, i can do it… she walks in… i throw a fake smile on and turn to her… she says, i love you and smiles… i say i love you too… door closes and still from that second i sit here crying because i know she as well my entire family is the reason i can not do it… because i do not want them to cry because i hate myself when i see them sad on my doing, i can not stand the though, i can not i cant it is horrid, it eats me… i do not want to do that to them though i know i have not one ounce of true happiness left in me, i always wanted to know what people though of me… and to finally know, and know that it is hatred and anger on the fact i am seen as only selfish and a taker and never to give… well… it would make you want to kill yourself too.

I can not forgive myself for the things i have done, i can not forget the things i have done. I sit here straight faced with no emotion feeling sick to my stomach as i think of all the wrong i have done, i only live to further hurt people and learn of what people actually think of me. I thought i helped others… i helped i was changing… i thought i was only hurting myself because i know i can handle it… Some one i thought i cared about told me that i take my pain out on other and only hurt others while she only hurts herself… i suppose the physical attacks on myself and this pain i feel within is all just a lie, i will believe it because i am desperate to believe anything right now because i am so physically drained right now… my body feels weak… i do not feel the will do try to be who i thought i was becuase i know i will never be what i am not… i am so tired, and i am so just finished up… she spoke the truth to me and i only sit here learning that others i have cared for and hurt think the same things… what kind of person that is like me deserves to live, people tell me i am being selfish to think i should kill myself, they are just lying to me, the truth is i am being selfish for just letting myself live… everyday i live i am hurting everyone around me, i want to   end it all… i do not want to be this burden on everyone anymore because its showing that they speak to me one thing… and then speak how horrible i am behind my back because they know it will push me to kill myself… just tell me the truth please… if i kill myself as a result, i forgive all of you, but at least we can all be happy in the end. I am done with people telling me i am good and even remotely believing it because i see now… people i thought cared… do not care for me..

I hate myself even more for what i did last night… I hate myself so much. I do not understand how i can care for someone but can not get myself to really show them i care about them. I told people stuff i probably shouldn’t have told, i broke down to them, but it was all my fault, getting into something i shouldn’t have gotten into,i should have stayed out, but i guess i was hoping to help immediately and them to accept and get what i was saying quite fast… Instead i just hurt then both and told them things they shouldn’t know theres one that i know i care about but want no part of and then theres on who i care about and just want to huge them and say i am sorry… Reasons why i hate myself, this is a perfect example, i involuntary ruin peoples joy and their lives, i a natural at making people feel like crap… I attacked my arm… Worse then the other two times, though same tool, as i type these in the morning, i did this last night, i feel a tingle and a burn in my arm… I shouldn’t have done anything but i did so maybe just maybe i will be finally exposed for the true person i am, that asshole that ruins peoples happiness… We can only hope it happens, right. I didn’t cry last night because i felt bad for what i sad… I cried when i heard the faint sound of someone i know i care about hurting, then looking at what i am doing, and i am not helping, then i walked up to bathroom, silently screamed my head off after i attacked my arm, then broke down and fell to my knees… That moment, that moment i gave up, i couldn’t handle that moment and i want to kill myself and i do believe if my bathroom was a kitchen… It would have happened, not because of what they said… Because what i said and did, walked down stairs… End the conversation… Break down, freaking out punching and kicking and just hysterically crying, then i can the paper cutter the manual one with the big blade… I starred for a minute in awe… Then whispered and walked away repeating no no no no no no, i am my own worst nightmare, i calm myself down, at least tried for when i was close to it again i lifted the blade and pathetically attempted to cut my arm with the edge… It was a flat edge…. Squared off. That is not hurting no one, and to be teased like that, rude. Haha i am sorry i just made a joke of the whole flat edge thing, i am odd, i laugh at hurting myself, though cry when i do it. I broke down to someone i probably wouldn’t in other circumstances but at least they know what is up now but that other person… I do not know what to do, when they asked if i cared for them i wanted to say yes… But instead i type… If i say no will you hate me? Understand people, i am insane and an asshole but wait theres more, i am a complete retard, so they were all right, always were… Im just to naive to believe them.

Have you ever had the urge to break your mirror and cut yourself, to stab your in the best and slowly die or to smash your head to a pulp on the wall… Well i just did… Urge that is, strongest one to come by that i have experienced that is to kill myself the others are easy offs, that is all i want to say i can not say the memory that triggered it but i can say it feels such a long time ago though its in the past of 2012.

Hit that bass DJ. Ok people im going to share a little love with you, for as long as i can remember i have loved music, the beat, the rumble of the bass that shakes your body, the passion that imbues from a song, with such a wide variety there is something to please the crowds but i am here to tell you what pleases me, what makes me happy, what i keep a secret. I smile now because why should i keep it a secret, all those laughs that will come my way, should i care? No because if i kill myself it will be because i cut myself up not because some infernal swine giggled at me, now do not get me wrong i mean the point and laugh and what a loser he is laughing. I like to beat box no doubt, i am quite poor at it do not get me wrong but to make a beat keeps me focused, keeps me sane, you will here me beat box when I’m bored, or when I’m nervous, i do it because i love to make music, i love to sing, i always have dreamed to be on stage but the crowds do not thrill me though they are a factor it is the freedom, the release, i sing in my basement though for a while now i have not sung because i am quite dreadful at singing that is the truth but i love it, its my release, i have done this since in elementary, so for many years where i go into my cramped bathroom… And just… Dance, i am quite the charmer ladies… I speak with heavy sarcasm, but i long to move i spend up to an hour just dancing and lip syncing in my bathroom busting dem good beats on my ipod…
There are those times where i have to hold myself from dancing in public, though you may not categorize it as dancing, i love to sing and… Dance, or some call it random body twitches.
I remember the first time i saw glee, i thought, i want to be in something like that, or step up… I wanted to dance, some reason since being a youngster i have wanted to break dance, but then there are so many other movies and shows that tease me with the desired reality and now there is perfect pitch, i watched this and it was amazing, adorable that main guy and that girl who may i say is FABULOUS… Yeah no. But she is gorgeous, she is going to be plastered all over my everything i can put her on, that smile… Damn… But i watched this and those voices, those sounds are scrumptious, i do love tht word and though some may say that the use of that word in that context makes me look unintelligent i say it adds something, silly though it gets my point across, but every time they started singing i would just smile, i love music but it is the vocals, when they sound key, thats where it all begins, but by golly what a woman that main girl is, what it would be to be honored to hold the hand of a woman of the sorts. I get everything i say makes me sound lame, weird, maybe even homosexual, but people i have told you i want to cut myself and give myself a slow painful death… I am quite vulnerable already, but even if you think anything of the sorts, i know I’m not homosexual, i know i am weird and god i am quite lame if i may say so myself, but this makes me happy, i come out from dancing and sing… Happier that is unless i hit a bad note… The point is, this makes me happy, what is important… That makes me happy and the movie made me reminisce on what is important to me, and that is what matters, and if i have made you smile or giggle at me, that would make my day, regardless if it was good or bad, i live to please, though i make a lot of mistakes, i know the things that are important to me and i will fight for them, its just the little trouble of being shy to the point of running away on sight… Got to love life and those times. I hope i made your day in any way, but what i want you to get out of this, sometimes you just have to say what is important to you no matter the outcome being good or bad, because being honest with yourself, thats where happiness starts in my personal opinion.

I know i am not like the others because i do not speak the same way they do. I know i am not like the others because i do not laugh the same way they do. I know i am not like the others because i do not think the same way they do. I know i am not like the others because i do not act the same way they do. I know i am not like the others because i am not them. I know to compare oneself to them is not a good choice, i know i am not supposed to act a certain way for them, i know i am not supposed to impress them, i know i must let them like me for who i am. I understand i am not like them, i have come to an acceptance that i am nothing of the same as them. I have come to the acceptance that i am disturbed, i have come to a state of mind in which all my faults are on me and all doings that have brought grief to others that of which i have been present in, are my fault, i understand i am stubborn, i understand that i am nothing, that is not comparison, yet, a fact, it is true, i am an asshole and i have and will hurt everyone. It is true i am depressed, it is true i miss them all, it is true i wish i could go back, but that is not truth, to simply go back to when nothing was wrong, because my faults are to large, they can not be forgotten, i am selfish, for i am putting this on you, i am not deserving of that of what i have. I have come to the agreement that i should have focused on letter one and i should have tried to understand the true message before i questioned. I am pathetic, i am a coward, i want to die because i am worthless, i have hurt so many people and it is always those who are close to me, why do i ruin those people who try and help me. I need to kill myself, i am all deserving of what is to come, i love everyone that has helped me or tried, i do, and i am sad to even think of killing myself because of the fact that they have tried and i am only being more selfish then i already have been by doing so and even thinking of doing so, i deserve a painful death because in my mind i am only as good as the worst of my doings and that makes me someone who is scum, i love everyone and the day i do kill myself i will be sorry to them and i am sorry for this message, i am only being selfish, but it needs to happen, and i do not want anyone blaming themselves if i do kill myself because it is all my problems and my messed up thinking, i hope the best for everyone, merry Christmas, may you be filled with the utter most happiness, and may you all get what you ask for, i do not want to live anymore, and i have pushed so many away and i do not even understand at times how i did so. I deserve a slow painful death because every minute of agony may allow me to finally forgive myself for my wrongs. I love you all and when the day come i am sorry, i will tell you again that day and make sense of it all so no one questions it once im gone. I did this to myself and i should have tried to do something earlier to help myself but i am only heading to rock bottom and im soon to crash, people do not like my personality around them, the hyper me, they like the quiet me, but they think i am sad and depressed, they are right i am, but im happier because at least i do not get called an asshole and other names, at least i am not cocky, and i persistently show people i am immature, i do stupid things i should not do and the image people must have of me is horrid, i am pathetic and am undeserving of everything. I love you, you deserve the best and better.